Perfect Crime #1: Brothel

1. Open a brothel and disguise it as a sperm bank.
2. Become a committed donor.
3. Keep a barrelful and a stack of fake medical histories in case women show up actually looking for sperm.

Graph Theory #3: [Poll] Why Are You So Quiet?

* picture taken in middle of f#*%!ng night

The Black Hat #2: [Fortune] Ice Cream

Today your habit of pretending you're somewhere else backfires. As you mentally savor an ice cream cone from your favorite parlor, you miss your soulmate walking down the street. Incidentally, you'll never guess where she's heading...

Language Vol. 2 #2

From Gold's Standard Dictionary:

poppycock n 1. fragrant stalk which produces bliss and euphoria when smoked. 2. informal the white resin it yields.

The Black Hat #1: Pet Tarantula®

From the label on the box of Black Hat's Pet Tarantula®:

Do not expose to fire. Avoid contact with skin, muscle, and bones. In case of ingestion, thoroughly digest.

Conspiracy Theory #5: Shaving

Tired of having to shave cancer patients before surgery, doctors have developed treatments that make your hair fall off.

Language Vol. 2 #1

From Gold's Standard Dictionary:

Gaelic n 1. effeminate beating. 2. homosocial gesture of the tongue.

Mr. Baton's Tip #2: Paranoia

From Mr. Phil Baton's Mind Your Head:

"As far as illnesses go, there's much better than paranoia. [Paranoia is] like a poor man's megalomania: It's the feeling that everyone's world revolves around you, but you're still a nobody."

Conspiracy Theory #4: Fashion

In recent years, gay fashion designers have sold millions of women on anorexia. Why? The fewer good-looking women, the more single men out there...

Guest Lecturer #1: The Bourne Iterations

From messianic Max Miller's mind:

Given the trends in The Bourne Identity, The Bourne Supremacy, and The Bourne Ultimatum, the next film should be titled Bourne Again, or better yet, Still Bourne.

Edit: In the comments, Col suggests as a possible last title the gripping Bourne Free.

Conspiracy Theory #3: Babies

Babies have such wild mood swings, and such trouble standing, talking, staying awake, and keeping food down, because of an enzyme that turns milk into alcohol. Too late: by now your baby's too trashed to remember this year.

Conspiracy Theory #2: Spam Emails

Evil computers keep track of which spam we open to map out human concerns (e.g. porn). Soon they'll phase us out. Our one hope is to confuse them by opening all spam, which of course they've always told us not to.

Mr. Baton's Tip #1: Bowling

From Mr. Phil Baton's Help Your Self:

"It is recommended that bad bowlers drink during games. It won't affect how you play, but hey - at least you'll be less upset about your mistakes. This approach also works with driving, child rearing, bowling, and writing books. Try it!"

Graph Theory #2: [Poll] Why Can't We Be Friends?

Conspiracy Theory #1: Self-flushing Urinals

Self-flushing urinals do not exist. You have never seen a self-flushing urinal. What you may have seen is a regular urinal with a small red box, about the size of a spy camera, which is connected to a central location where a fat guy named Ralph pushes "Flush."

Graph Theory #1: Ideas for Pet Olympics