The White and Black Hats of Magic

Mr. Baton's Tip #4: Fate Favors

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Wed, 06 May 2009 20:41:00 +0000

From Mr. Phil Baton's locally televised Corporative Initiative workshop in Boca Raton, FL:

"Fate favors the bold, so learn not to rely on favors."

Guess the movie #2: Hamburger

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 17:54:00 +0000

"Would you like some hamburger with that ketchup?"
"Would you like some smart with that ass?"

Guess the movie #1: Making ends meet

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 02:02:00 +0000

"No, _____, it's like this: I met my end of the deal, and either way you're going to meet your end."

The Black Hat #4: Confession

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 21:14:00 +0000

He drank the last of his 25-year glass and leaned over the bar. "But she never cared about my money," he confided. "She only cared about me."

The White Hat: Premonition

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 23:36:00 +0000

If they tried to lead you
They would only lead you astray
So today
The stars have started turning in a different way

Easy Money #1: DIY IUD

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 21:50:00 +0000

Or, for $10 more, we'll assemble it for you.

Nursery Rhyme #1: Sweetness

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Mon, 22 Oct 2007 12:40:00 +0000

Sugar comet, sugar star,
Send me sugar from afar;
Sugar cookie, sugar plum,
Bring me sugar when you come.
Sugar longing, sugar void,
Why has want of sugar cloyed?
Sugar slumber, bitter start,
Bitter turns my sugar heart.
Sugar comet, sugar star,
Send me sugar from afar;
Sugar promise, bitter pay,
Keep me, sugar, far away!

Meditamusing #1: Pillow

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Wed, 17 Oct 2007 21:29:00 +0000

Why is it so common, do you think? The image of walking in on someone frenching a pillow. In so many movies, so many shows, so many funny things...

The Black Hat #3: Someone

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Wed, 10 Oct 2007 11:59:00 +0000

And he flew half around the world to meet her, and - behold - much to his pleasure, again, she met someone else.

Dr. Soberdim's Wisdom #1: Peace

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 18:02:00 +0000

"Peace is the first casualty of war."

- Dr. Kurt Soberdim, Ph.D.

The White Hat

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 20:21:00 +0000

It was like the time when, in bed, he said, "Cute bra. Where did you get it?" and she smiled at him and said, "Wal-Mart," and he kissed her very softly, but melting with love for her.

Perfect Crime #2: Almonds

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 20:39:00 +0000

*Almonds contain low amounts of cyanide.
*Cyanide accumulates in the body.

1. Buy your child life insurance.
2. Feed him an almond-heavy diet.
3. Less money spent on the child equals greater profits.
4. Keep a ready stash of almonds for yourself in case you get caught.

Mr. Baton's Tip #3: Talking to Oneself

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Fri, 28 Sep 2007 19:39:00 +0000

From Mr. Phil Baton's Me, Me, Me:

"You must love yourself before others love you. Thus, talking to yourself (or, if you're mute, signing to yourself), while unhealthy, will at least keep you from talking to people who definitely don't love you and who may very well be out for blood."

Convince a Kid #1: Scrambled Eggs

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 00:18:00 +0000

1. Convince a kid that if you leave scrambled eggs out long enough, they turn back to a liquid.
2. Convince him that re-liquefied eggs are still edible and very tasty.
3. [optional] Show him raw eggs and convince him they're re-liquefied and ready to eat.

Back from Austin and California

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Sat, 22 Sep 2007 20:11:00 +0000

and tanned.

On holiday in Austin and California

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 01:59:00 +0000

Back later this month.

Perfect Crime #1: Brothel

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 00:12:00 +0000

1. Open a brothel and disguise it as a sperm bank.
2. Become a committed donor.
3. Keep a barrelful and a stack of fake medical histories in case women show up actually looking for sperm.

Graph Theory #3: [Poll] Why Are You So Quiet?

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Fri, 31 Aug 2007 01:01:00 +0000

* picture taken in middle of f#*%!ng night

The Black Hat #2: [Fortune] Ice Cream

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Wed, 29 Aug 2007 14:50:00 +0000

Today your habit of pretending you're somewhere else backfires. As you mentally savor an ice cream cone from your favorite parlor, you miss your soulmate walking down the street. Incidentally, you'll never guess where she's heading...

Language Vol. 2 #2

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 22:05:00 +0000

From Gold's Standard Dictionary:

poppycock n 1. fragrant stalk which produces bliss and euphoria when smoked. 2. informal the white resin it yields.

The Black Hat #1: Pet Tarantula®

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Mon, 27 Aug 2007 22:08:00 +0000

From the label on the box of Black Hat's Pet Tarantula®:

Do not expose to fire. Avoid contact with skin, muscle, and bones. In case of ingestion, thoroughly digest.

Conspiracy Theory #5: Shaving

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Fri, 24 Aug 2007 21:54:00 +0000

Tired of having to shave cancer patients before surgery, doctors have developed treatments that make your hair fall off.

Language Vol. 2 #1

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Thu, 23 Aug 2007 21:22:00 +0000

From Gold's Standard Dictionary:

Gaelic n 1. effeminate beating. 2. homosocial gesture of the tongue.

Mr. Baton's Tip #2: Paranoia

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 22:11:00 +0000

From Mr. Phil Baton's Mind Your Head:

"As far as illnesses go, there's much better than paranoia. [Paranoia is] like a poor man's megalomania: It's the feeling that everyone's world revolves around you, but you're still a nobody."

Conspiracy Theory #4: Fashion

noreply@blogger.com (Oldtron) — Tue, 21 Aug 2007 20:53:00 +0000

In recent years, gay fashion designers have sold millions of women on anorexia. Why? The fewer good-looking women, the more single men out there...